Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/catjuanc/domains/catjuan.com/public_html/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384
Warning: preg_match_all(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/catjuanc/domains/catjuan.com/public_html/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 700
Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /home/catjuanc/domains/catjuan.com/public_html/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 707
Warning: preg_match_all(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/catjuanc/domains/catjuan.com/public_html/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 700
Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /home/catjuanc/domains/catjuan.com/public_html/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 707
I got this question on formspring two months ago:
Hi Cat, I came across your blog and I love reading your entries because you’re real, honest and I find I learn something new from your posts. I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, and just wanted to ask how you knew Carl was ‘the one’ 😉Â
So why did it take me so long to answer this?
Two reasons: I didn’t want to share too much and I think the answer can come in different shapes and forms.Â
But this query has been playing in my head for some time and I think I’m ready to give it a go.Â
Let’s take a quick flashback to my past. Before Carl, many know I was in a relationship for almost seven years. It had its ups and downs (like any relationship does) but it was in a comfortable place that only happens when you’ve shared a life with someone for so long.Â
In 2007, I was in LA spending time with my grandmother, who was receiving treatment for cancer, when she asked me a question no one had asked before.Â
“Are you going to marry him?”
I was taken aback. Having been in this relationship since I was 20, it wasn’t something I had actually thought through.Â
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly.Â
“Well, unless every cell of your body knows that you want to be with him for the long haul, don’t.”Â
Having these words of advice from someone I admired gave me the courage to head back to Manila and close the book on a partnership that wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t right.Â
Newly single and with absolutely no interest to start dating (the idea seriously made me nauseous), I decided to do something I’d never done before: I wrote a list.
I wrote all the things I needed in a partner, from small requirements like ‘loves dogs’ to big ones like ‘adores his family with all his heart’. I just typed out everything I needed to make each cell in my body feel exactly what my grandmother described.   Â
It might seem mechanic to make a list, but at 27 I’d decided that I wasn’t going to spend any more time giving my love and commitment to a relationship that wasn’t going to be long term.
Almost a year later, the universe decided to throw an old acquaintance back into my life and we all know the rest of this tale.Â
Being with Carl took no effort. Having both experienced long relationships, we both realised early on that what we were building was unlike anything we’d made before. There were no doubts and no ‘what ifs’ that our past lives could have been any better than the possibilities now put in front of us.Â
And that is when I think you know, when every part of you says that a life without this person just isn’t an option and, just as importantly, they say the same about you.Â
My grandmother was never able to meet my husband. But I don’t believe people really leave us when they leave this world. And in some way, I believe she played a part in guiding me to make the steps I needed to find myself exactly where I am today, married to a man with whom I have a fighting chance to make a marriage work.
So there you have it, my long overdue answer.
But like I said in the beginning of this post, this can be different for everyone. So I decided to ask married people on Twitter to share some thoughts on how they knew when they’d found the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with.
Here are their insightful opinions:Â
” When the thought of marrying him didn’t feel like a ‘closing in’ but quite the opposite, in fact. ” – @gangbadoy
” Just as important to finding ‘the one’ for you is also being ‘the one’ to the other person.. then you get married.” – @patmartires
” When he brought out the best in me, inspired me to be a better person and i had that same effect on him too. When we faced challenges, decision making was based on our values in life—values that were somehow similar to each other. When love is not the only reason why we stay together; there’s friendship, respect, having fun, growing together in the mix too. ” – @ibyang
” If you have to think about it, they’re not it. Easy.” – @thesouthsyde
“When you don’t believe in such a thing as “the one” and someone comes along who makes you think if there was such a thing, this would be it!” – @SetteDuhigg
* Let me end this post by throwing the question to you married (or soon to be married) readers: “When did you know you found your +1?”
Hi Cat. I read this entry more than a year ago and it shook everything I thought I knew. I was 27 at the time, was in a 5 year relationship with my first boyfriend was constantly reassuring myself that he was the one despite a nagging thought at the back of my head that he wasn’t.
And what you said resonated within me. It was a good relationship but it wasn’t great.
We’ve broken up just a little over a month ago and I always come back to this post to remind me to keep moving forward. A strong reminder to never settle for less than what we deserve and to also not string along people who deserve more than what we can give. Thank you for the insipration. For sharing a glimpse of your life and what love should be like – always freely given.
Dear Lia,
Thank you for such a wonderful message. Everyone’s journey is different and I truly hope yours will lead you to a place of self-discovery and more importantly strength and belief in yourself. Oftentimes, the thing missed the most when a relationship dies is not the love (that probably wasn’t working so well) it’s the routine. Once you start a new routine and realize that there was life before you were a couple, you’ll know that there will be life after. Some things that helped me discover this were:
1. This poem: http://www.catjuan.com/2011/08/09/after-a-while-after-a-while-you-learn-the-subtle/
2. Shel Silversteins The Missing Piece Meets the Big O
I hope they help you as well. Sending you lots of strength to discover better things ahead.
Hi Cat,
It seemed fitting to go back to this post at the end of the year if only to say thank you for your advice a few months back. The poem really helped a lot, and it is true that there is life after that first big heartbreak. I am at peace with where I am in my life right now and thrilled with all the wonderful paths that are laid out before me. Have a wonderful new year!
Hi Lia,
I’m so happy to hear this. I am sure 2015 will offer you all the lessons and adventures you need to lead happy days. Looking forward to hearing all about it!
Big hug, Cat
Hi Ms. Cat! I’d just like to ask.. how do you reconcile or balance out the thought that he is the one and yet the circumstances doesn’t seem right? It’s like there’s thought at the back of your head or the feeling that he is the one but the realities or the things happening between me and my significant other are like not in order?
I’m only 24 and still young (as what they say) and my relationship is on a year and a half. You see, after I read your article in Meg magazine last year and finding out that you wrote the same here in your blog and after seeing you at Baguio last year at summer, I feel like your article or there’s something about you that somehow gives me a sign or some sort of feeling that there’s something in you or your words or your writing that I need to find or need to discern for myself. (Sorry if this might seem really weird.)
But I’d really appreciate your advice or help.
Thank you so much. 🙂
Hi Ms. Cat!
Sorry if it took me a long time to reply. But I really want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the reply. It really helped me. And as of this moment, I’m currently learning to love myself more and rebuilding myself. I think I’m still trying to muster enough courage and bravery for things to happen. Your quiet grace, strength and composure are what I hope to achieve someday. You are one of my inspirations to become the person I needed and wanted to be. And I do hope and pray to find the man bestowed upon me by The Big Guy Up There and the Universe in the right time, right place and circumstances just like you and your hubby had.
May God bless you and your family always.
Thank you so much! 🙂
Dear Cat,
I just broke up with a man I truly loved but realized I couldn’t build a future with. I remembered you posted about you knew your Carl was the one and I had to look it up again. Thankfully, Google made it easy.
Thank you for your beautiful words that resonate even more than now, than the first time I read it.
Thank you for helping in give this stranger strength in a trying time and hope that someday, my one One will come. I hope he recognize him when he does.
Please keep writing. I love how you are able to string words together and create simple beauty.
Dear Sam,
Sending you strength during this tough time in your life. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this now, but do know that you will rise from this pain and find yourself at peace with your decision and with more clarity for what you want. <3